The RACER Mailbag, December 29

Welcome to the RACER Mailbag. Questions for Marshall Pruett or any of RACER’s other writers can be sent to mailbag@racer.com. Due to the high volume of questions received, we can’t guarantee that every letter will be published, but we’ll answer as many as we can. Published questions may be edited for style or clarity.

Q: How loud is it for IndyCar drivers while they are racing in the Indy 500 (or any race for that matter)? How much protection do helmets give their ears? Do the earbuds they wear to communicate with their pits make the noise better or worse?

Janis in Fishers

MARSHALL PRUETT: He’s Canadian, and kind, and he still has his hearing, so I asked the Mayor of Hinchtown to help with an answer:

“The earpieces we wear are custom molded, so they offer really good protection from the sound, on top of obviously wearing the helmet. It’s still pretty noisy, but you appreciate how much protection you get when the earpiece shifts in your ear and you lose the seal! The volume for the radio comms to the team is adjustable, so you find the right level for you at the start of each weekend.” – James Hinchcliffe

Q: With Mike Shank having made the successful expansion from sports cars to IndyCar, do you know if any other IMSA teams are considering a similar move?

Scott C., Bargersville, IN

MP: Pretty much a one-way street these days, with IndyCar teams returning/expanding into IMSA, and not the other way around. I keep waiting for Ed Carpenter to make the leap, and Dale Coyne poked around a few years ago. Trust me, the moment I hear about something serious from an IMSA team looking at IndyCar, you’ll read about it.

Q: I see Santino Ferrucci and Conor Daly are both entered in January’s Chili Bowl. Why do you feel Kirkwood, Rossi, O'Ward, etc., don’t give it a go?

Oliver Wells

MP: Guessing it’s mostly an invitation thing. Rossi said he’s trimming his calendar, so we know that part, but if they aren’t prevented from doing so by their contracts, I’d imagine most IndyCar drivers would be driving at the Chili Bowl if seats were available.

Q: Might be pic for the Mailbag. Note the banners and top billing above Sonny and Cher. Seems cool you could watch the 500 after the fact in a theater. From my research this theater was in L.A.. I found this picture in a forum for VWs. Looks to be early '60s since the bus is pre '61.

Aaron Smith, Medford, OR

MP: I’ve had some of my elders tell me about watching major races like the Indy 500 and Monaco on closed-circuit feeds in movie theaters. Somewhere buried in storage, I have a poster promoting the 1966 Indy 500 closed-circuit deal (I think it’s for ’66 -- seem to recall Jimmy Clark’s Lotus in on it) which I need to find…

Could you imagine this happening again today at an IMAX theater? Sign me up!

Indy on the silver screen. While the reader used the VW bus in the image to date the shot to the early '60s, the movie on the billboard suggests the shot is from 1967.

Q: I asked Robin Miller a similar question to this a while ago, and I wanted your take. I was wondering if there would be a situation where a driver would have to lend a hand to the mechanics working on a race car (perhaps grab a hammer to bash out crash damage, or buy the guys donuts and coffee after pulling out an all-nighter)? While I’m on the subject, who was the most mechanically-inclined driver you knew in your years in motorsport?

Brandon Karsten

MP: I wouldn’t position it as "have to" but yes, there are situations where having an extra pair of hands to handle some of the menial tasks will help speed up the repairs. But unless the driver is an experienced mechanic, crew chiefs will keep them away from the wrenches for the sake of safety.

You have to be able to trust the people disassembling or reassembling and IndyCar, and that line won’t be crossed, even if it’s the person who drives the thing. Had a few – but not many– drivers on teams I worked on stay and assist, grab dinner, coffee, etc., which was always awesome. Others, not so much. Once or twice, we had to force the driver to leave – they felt terrible about the wreck and wanted to stay in a show of unity – but we needed them to be fresh and ready to drive the thing to its limit in the morning, so they got the boot before midnight.

The most mechanically inclined would likely be sports car legends (and former Atlantic open-wheel badass) Bill Auberlen, who drove for my little team at an endurance race in 2005. Having one of your drivers sit next to you on the pit wall, stare at the car you’ve built, and point out things he would have done differently – and those suggestions being better ideas than my own – was both embarrassing and illuminating. Bill’s the best.

Q: With so many racing series, I know the cars look different, but can you please explain what really makes them all so different? IndyCar to F1 to NASCAR to Formula E to Supercars to Le Mans to IMSA (and what all those divisions mean in IMSA). Thanks a bunch.

Mark, Altadena, CA

MP: OK, off we go:

IndyCar: Open-wheel series, spec cars, nearly spec engines, heavy emphasis on cost containment so the tech and creativity involved is limited, races on the most diverse set of circuits imaginable. More about the people running and driving the car than the car being the biggest contributor to its competitiveness. If a team or engine manufacturer finds an advantage, it won’t be taken away.

Formula 1: Open-wheel series, limited emphasis on cost containment, every team build their own cars (for the most part), highest tech of any racing series, brutally fast, circuits are nowhere close to matching IndyCar’s diversity. The gearbox on an F1 car costs about the same as a complete IndyCar.

NASCAR: Take whatever we think of as spec with IndyCar and multiple it times 10. All about the show, less so about the cars, although the new next-gen machines do take Cup out of the race-tech dark ages. Mostly ovals, with a modicum of road racing. If you like the WWE, you just might wonder if Vince McMahon has a hand in scripting some of the races as "sports entertainment." Teams or manufacturers finding an advantage won’t be allowed to last for long.

Formula E: Open-wheel series, all electric, and has migrated from being 100 percent spec, slow, and lame, to less spec with the motors, more speed, etc. Big marketing series, runs in a bunch of new city street venues throughout the world, and team owners have made a ton of money off their entries. Lots of auto/EV manufacturers involved, but we’re also seeing a steady migration of OEMs bid farewell.

Supercars: Once a touring car series, now a purebred GT series with cars built from scratch to very tight regulations. They look like production muscle cars, but follow a NASCAR-ish tech script, which makes for great road racing.

IMSA: I won’t be explaining all the different classes because there are too many resources online to gain that deep degree of education. Purebred prototypes and production-based GT cars, racing together with a mix of professional and non-pro (but very good) drivers. Factories and privateers play in the WeatherTech Championship, with endurance road racing as its main tenet.

Q: I've always thought it was cool that IndyCar describes the vehicles that are raced. I think from early in the 20th century until the mid-late '90s, if you ask a kid to draw a race car, they would most likely draw something that resembled an IndyCar. That's quite a history. It doesn't need an acronym, it's cool on its own.

DJ Odom, Anderson, IN

MP: Amen, DJ. Amen.

Q: If I remember correctly back in the '80s, John Menard and his team of lawyers fought the IRS in regards to motorsports sponsorship being a legitimate deductible expense and won, opening the door for motorsports sponsorship as we know it today. Does this sound correct, and if so, shouldn’t John and his team be recognized for this accomplishment which today is so critical to motorsports?

Craig C

MP: It doesn’t ring a bell, but no, racing sponsorships being treated as deductible marketing expenses was around long before Mr. Menard ventured into that area.

Q: Marshall, in last week’s Mailbag it sounded like you are in favor of using a red flag at the end of races to avoid controversy or to create a more exciting finish for the fans. Back in the day, a red flag was only to be used in extreme conditions. And according to IndyCar.com, a red flag “signals that the track is unsafe to proceed at any speed."

In my 50 years of watching racing, I have seen the red flag used after many terrible crashes, such as the start of the 1973 Indy 500. Or the worst-ever multi-car crash at the 2011 IndyCar season finale in Las Vegas. What makes racing exciting is seeing the variables of speed, hard work, strategy, and driver skill come together for a team on the track. And one of those variables can be a late caution. So here is my question. If a late caution becomes a red flag, would the Pruett Racing Team be happy losing its 20-second lead after having a dominating car, then losing the race on a restart?

Rick Schneider, Charlotte

MP: Great question, and the answer is an obvious one. No leading team wants to give up a lead, but since the races have many teams, sponsors, and fans, the real question is about which picture matters -- big or small? What’s in the best interest of the sport? Is my team more important than the sport? That would be a no.

I don’t have an interest in using a late red to avoid controversy. I’m interested in seeing the red if there’s time to complete the race in a competitive manner.

One simple red cloth sure can cause some arguments. Mark Sutton/Motorsport Images

Q: How can you tell which manufacturer is which in the IndyCar races? Cars all look the same.

Chris Fiegler, Latham, NY

MP: Out of curiosity, how did fans tell whether a Ford Cosworth, Toyota, Honda, Mercedes Ilmor or similar engine was in the back of 20-plus Reynards in the beloved CART IndyCar series from the 1990s, or what motor powered 20 Lolas or 30 Marchs in the 1980s? Stickers, just like we do today, with a Bowtie or Honda logo on the engine cover.

Q: I know there are already a lot of rules in IndyCar, but I’d like to add one more: “If any race strategist utters ‘Box, box, box’ over the radio, it’s an automatic five race suspension.”

Scott Heavin

MP: Would ‘Package, package, package’ maybe solve the problem?

Q: I live in the central Florida area and am a massive IndyCar fan, never missing a race (and work hard to get my friends interested too) but enjoy the yearly trips with friends for the Rolex 24 as well. I would love to get more involved if possible, and heard about some shortages teams are having with workers. I have a full-time job so wouldn’t be able to travel during the season; however I would love to at least help out with anything a small team would need for the Rolex as I live nearby. Even if it’s something as simple as helping stock snacks or something overnight would be cool. Any information would be greatly appreciated if you know of any teams looking for some help! I wish you and your wife the best!

Trevor

MP: Best suggestion would be to reach out to some of the smaller teams via their social media channels, Trevor, with Facebook as my first suggestion. Best of luck, and hope to see you there.

Q: Don Hoping's letter about the 1981 500 reminded me of a good joke at the time: Who is the only man ever to lose two 500s in the one year? Answer: Mario Andretti. One nine months after it was over (court decision in Feb '82), and the other before it began (Cogan crash on the pace lap in 1982).

The joke still makes me chuckle.

Bill

MP: Damn Coooooooooooooooooogan!

Q: Looking forward to 2022:

1. Who will win the NASCAR Cup Series Championship?

2. Who will win the FIA Formula 1 World Drivers' Championship?

3. Who will win the NTT IndyCar Series Championship?

4. Will Kimi Raikkonen compete in SRX?

5. What new track or race should race fans visit in 2022?

Kurt Perleberg

MP:

1. The year of Dave Marcis is almost upon us

2. Max Verstappen

3. Colton Herta

4. No, but he will be crowned the DGAF world champion.

5. Iowa Speedway for the IndyCar doubleheader. We really need that one to be sold out so there’s no doubt about its ongoing presence on the calendar.

Q: This is the time of the year I have sent this question to Mr. Miller in the past. How many cars for May, and how many full-timers for the season? My guess is 38 for the 500, and I counted 25 full-timers for the season.

Ron, Toronto

MP: I love your number for Indy, but as usual, it will be dictated by Chevy and Honda, not the interest of team owners. Plan on 35-36, and no more, with 35 as the number I expect to see as the final. Yeah, 25 full-timers, unless something happy comes through with a third Foyt entry.

Q: Hey Marshall, life-long hardcore IMSA & IndyCar fan here. Did you recently say that there was a team trying to source a DPi (perhaps the outgoing Mazda) to run in 2022? Obviously, that did not happen, but can you provide some insider info on what happened?

Via email

MP: There was a strong indicator that a European WEC LMP2 team wanted to run the car for next season to get a feel for IMSA’s top class and prepare for an LMDh program in 2023. I’m holding off on naming the team since I understand some of the plan -- minus the Mazda part, obviously -- might still be in the works behind the scenes.

Q: Thank you for the wonderful article celebrating the life of Honda’s T.E. McHale. This article was especially special to me. You see, I had a special connection to T.E. as he was my uncle.

The McHales were a very private family. When T.E’s wife Brenda died several years ago, only Aunt Brenda’s children knew she was ill and fighting for her life. The family was made aware of the situation when she only had weeks to live, and unfortunately by then she didn’t recognize anybody and the cancer had already taken her body. There were no funeral or services for her, only a small memorial held for her at the IndyCar event at Mid-Ohio. Uncle T.E. was instrumental in bringing IndyCar back to Mid-Ohio so they planted a tree with a plaque to honor my Aunt Brenda.

I am local to the Mid-Ohio facility and have had season camping passes for years. The highlight of every weekend is taking my family for a golf cart ride through the paddock and to the base of the media tower and visit with Aunt Brenda.

I am being told that there will a similar memorial for T.E. held during the IndyCar event at Mid-Ohio over the July 4th weekend next year, and a plaque for T.E. will be placed next to Brenda’s. I also understand that there will a similar memorial for the IndyCar opener in St. Petersburg.

T.E. McHale was a paddock treasure, and will be memorialized alongside his late wife Brenda at Mid-Ohio.

T.E. leaves behind one daughter and two sons he inherited when he married Brenda. His daughter is the one who called me to inform me that her dad had passed away. My family will spending Christmas evening with her and no doubt will be sharing stories remembering the good times with T.E. and Brenda. He also has a brother that lives In Cleveland that he was close to as well. His mom passed away earlier this year.

To my knowledge, Uncle T.E. told only one person of his battle with cancer and that was only two weeks ago. I won’t identify who that person was, but can tell you it was not any of his children.

I last saw Uncle T.E. back in October when drove back to Ohio from California for a visit. I was fortunate enough to have dinner with him and my two young sons during his stop in Ohio and what I would give anything to have that evening back, not knowing that would be the last time I would see him. During dinner he shared some of his plans for travel and his love for music. He told us that he was under no time constraints to make it back to California, and he was going to West Virginia and Indianapolis before returning home. I didn’t inquire as the agenda on his stops but learned later that the Indianapolis spot was for the services of Robin Miller. I have wondered if T.E. knew then of his upcoming battle?

Again, thank you for the wonderful article.

Tom Maiyer Jr.

MP: Kind of you to send this, Tom, and I am indeed sorry for your loss.

I made a mess of our kitchen when dear pal Steve Shunck called with the news on Monday, kicked a variety of things that went flying, including our cats’ water bowl. Dealt with a ton of losses this year, but none led me to an uncontrolled physical outburst like this one with T.E.

Just too damn fine of a person to be dealt this kind of swift end.

When Dario rang to help with the beautiful words he shared about T.E. in the memorial, he closed with saying the exact thing I was thinking about -- we’re worried for our man Shunck. He’s the foundation so many of us are tied to in Indy, and so far this year, he’s lost three of his absolute best friends in Robin, Uncle Bobby, and now T.E.

I already know I’ll be getting a "Dammit, Marshall, why’d you have to go and do that" call from him, but if you know Steve, call, email, and then call and email a few more times in the weeks and months ahead because most of his favorite people -- the ones that made his life a unique blend of hellish and fun -- have left us. They guy spends most of his life doing things for other people and making our heroes feel like heroes. Shunck deserves the same treatment.

Q: Is there any news about Vasser Sullivan in IndyCar this year? Will they partner with Juncos or Carlin? Will they just sit this one out? It would be nice to have the Sealmaster entry back on the grid with a worthy shoe for ’22.

Paul Zajdel

MP: What we recently wrote on RACER.com is the latest to offer on the subject. When there’s something new to add, I’ll file it within minutes.

Q: Have a couple of questions about the upcoming season and teams, as well as the Indy 500 in May.

There are still questions around the status of Carlin Racing, and possible second car from Juncos, or possibly co-entry for Juncos/Carlin. Also, Vasser Sullivan -- will it have a co-entry this year now that it has parted ways with Coyne? Also, what is the status of the rumor of Foyt adding a third car?

I think there are already 32 cars confirmed for the Indy 500. Have you heard the status of Top Gun Racing entry, or the Cusick Motorsports entry, or if Vasser Sullivan does not run the whole season, will it co-enter a car for the 500? Any other teams that you have heard ?

I know that it is early in the season, but would be nice to get a potential car count, and see how it changes before the start of the season and the 500. I was hoping for 26-27 full-time cars for the season, and 36-37 for the Indy 500.

Rod B, Fresno, CA

MP: Already covered some of this ground, so for the rest, I connected Carlin, Juncos, and Vasser Sullivan together at Long Beach, and know VS has spoken with the Foyts. Still too early to say what all will come from the conversations that are still ongoing.

I wrote a silly season piece a few days ago, and I’d imagine the next one will delve into some of the Indy 500 options in the works. I can tell you that I have a lot of calls coming in each week from drivers and going out to drivers and teams regarding the 500, engine availability, car availability, and who’s going where, not going where, which rumor is true or false, and who will win one of the few remaining seats with the size of their wire transfer.

Carlin's 2022 IndyCar plans are still sitting in the "watch this space" file. Richard Dole/Motorsport Images

Q: Anything new on the Carlin front? I know most people look at the team as nothing more than a field-filler, but when Conor Daly drives for them they are always moving forward. They just look like a totally different team when he is behind the wheel. I often wonder what the team could do if he was in the car for a full season?

Turn 3

MP: For entirely valid reasons I’ll soon mention, there’s a reason I’ve held off on reporting anything definitive to follow up the original story on Juncos and Carlin engaging with each other ahead of the 2022 season.

Q: The mention of the American IndyCar Series in last week's Mailbag caught my eye. Combining an IndyCar with a NASCAR stock block seems like the most American way to go racing. Was it any good, or was it just a glorified club series? I know Bill Tempero put a lot of effort into it and it gave the likes of Johnny and Robby Unser and Buddy Lazier their first IndyCar racing experiences. Ken Petrie, Rick Sutherland and Kevin Whitesides also made their mark. I’ve got a set of 1991 AIS trading cards, and there’s some great shots on Dan Wildhirt’s website from 1993 when it was arguably at its peak. Some of those old Marches and Lolas look very well-prepared, some don’t.

There’s also some footage on the internet of the Moosehead Grand Prix in Halifax, Nova Scotia and a wild race on a very basic-looking street circuit in Mexico resembling the Paris race sequences in Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. Didn’t USAC still allow big stock block V8s at Indy right up until The Split? Dan Gurney seemed to love that combination with his Eagles. Could you imagine an AIS warrior trying to sneak in? Was there even a notion that the Indy Racing League would bring it in under their control to be a feeder series?

Keep up the good work.

Peter Kerr

MP: The AIS was a semi-pro league which had, as you’d expect, a few good teams and drivers, and a whole bunch of Average Joes. In 1980s football parlance, the AIS was the USFL to CART’s NFL; technically, they were both American, and both IndyCar series, but that’s right about where the similarities ended.

And that’s not meant to be mean towards those who were involved in the AIS, but it was a low-buck and low-tech series that made it possible for a few young talents to break through to CART and the IRL while allowing a lot of decent drivers to sample some sufficiently cool machinery. I remember one AIS car would pop up at local SCCA club races -- an old Longhorn chassis with a Chevy V8 wedged in there -- and it was pretty cool. Made a lot of noise and went like hell in a straight line. Pretty useless in the corners, but still cool.

I don’t recall the IRL ever considering the AIS for anything; it wasn’t even a blip on the pro racing radar.

Q: Are IndyCar motors direct or port injected? Maybe both? I once saw a spy photo of a Honda engine that made me wonder if both techniques are used. When Gordon Murray designed his new supercar, he specified a port injected motor, because he claimed that PI produces more horsepower than DI. Or is all the magic (power and fuel economy) a product of engine mapping?

We lost an icon of motorsport with the passing of Jesse Alexander. About 15 years ago, I visited the Santa Barbara Museum of Art. By accident, I made a wrong turn in the museum and stumbled upon Jesse's famous photo of Jim Clark. I was transfixed by the image and spent the next two hours viewing Jesse's exhibition. I immediately bought a copy of "Driven" in the museum bookstore. It has been autographed by F1, IndyCar and IMSA drivers. None of them were able to simply sign the book and move on to the next fan -- every driver took an extra few moments to leaf through it. His photography (his art) was that special. I only wish I had met him.

Jonathan and Cleide Morris, Ventura, CA

MP: I only met Jesse once, briefly, in 2005, and trust me, I’m usually not the type to get too wound up when I meet someone famous. Met Ric Flair. Thought to myself, "Cool." Met Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx. Thought, "Cool." Met Jesse Alexander. Had no thoughts actually, because I was a mumbling fool who could barely compose an intelligible sentence. I left his little tent in a rush -- didn’t want to scare him with my hero worship that came across as pure mindless idiocy.

As for fueling, both Chevy and Honda use 12 injectors per engine, with port- and direct injection. The port comes from atop the six intake trumpets that sit within the turbo plenum, and the other six fire directly into the combustion chamber. A friend who knows a lot on this subject says it would be hard to adequately fuel the engine with E-85 at the fuel flow rates they use if only DI was utilized.

"GO, GORDY, GO!!"

Randy

MP: Hi Randy, that was Robin’s business, so with his passing, I believe it’s gone as well.

IndyCar engines use a combination of direct and port injection. Motorsport Images

Q: I just wanted to add two controversial IndyCar finishes. First, the 1985 Sanair race when they went green in Turn 4 of the last lap. Pancho Carter passed JR for the win. Later the win was restored to JR. Second, the 1997 Texas race when a scoring snafu led to A.J. throwing Arie Luyendyk out of victory lane. The win was eventually awarded to Luyendyk, but I read that A.J. refused to return the trophy.

Wayne Smitreski, Allentown, PA

MP: Thanks for those, Wayne. By chance, our pit stall was directly across from victory lane in 1997, and while breaking down the first of our TKM/Genoa Racing pit equipment to carry down to our transporter, I happened to come across A.J. trying to bury Arie in the hedges. It was one of those things you see, but aren’t sure you’re seeing, and then when you find out who was involved, shrug your shoulders and go, "Yeah, that makes sense" and keep it moving.

Q: Really appreciated your story on Jesse Alexander's passing -- thank you for that. As an aspiring motorsports shooter, your words got me thinking: I wonder what gear Marshall uses? Or perhaps better asked, what gear works best for you?

If you've got the ear of THE NTT INDYCAR SERIES powers that be on this, please add my vote for more spring training sessions. I'm sure there's economics involved and Monterey weather in Feb is sketchy -- see 2019’s half-day rainout at Laguna Seca -- but that half-day session was awesome! Easy to get around, access to photo areas we can't get to on race weekends… even got hotlaps in the pace cars because somebody took pity on my wife's broken foot and walking boot. Imagine that happening on race weekend!

Also spent some time with you and met SeaBass, as you guys were doing interview/podcast. Overall great time at the track, and some awesome pics I wouldn't be able to get any other time. Would do it again in a heartbeat.

Grant, Visalia, CA

MP: Well, I might have the series’ ear, but they’ve also got a lot of duct tape and keep sending it to me with notes that say, "Please apply over mouth."

I’m with you here. I love test days more than practice days during race weekends. But I don’t see them returning in a group setting until we get to 2023 when the new hybrid engines appear.

On camera gear, I’ve been a Canon guy since I saved up $200 from bagging groceries at our local Safeway grocery store and bought a used A1 in 1986. These days, I use a now-old 1D X, and have a variety of lenses I purchased over a 10-12-year span. Thanks for asking. If I had my choice, I’d spend my days at the track shooting.

Q: I seriously don't understand the constant yearning for anything from any racing series that's at least 20 years old. Do we forget that not everything was better, just because it was there? I can somewhat understand and sympathize with racing fans who aren't technically minded, or who are just getting into a particular racing series.

However, I am constantly reading comments on articles, YouTube videos (the most toxic comment section on earth) and here in the Mailbag about how F1 was just better because of the V10s. (ED: It was). Or how IndyCar used to be better because there were different chassis manufacturers. Or that top speeds were higher "back in the day." As well as ridiculous, mindless "ideas" by people who somehow believe they have all the answers, like an all-electric Indy 500 where teams don't refuel, they swap 800lb batteries every five laps, yet they work at a restaurant cooking omelettes or at a call center, calling to inform you that your warranty will soon expire causing your vehicle to spontaneously combust at any moment.

Point being, the vast majority of those folks couldn't even tell you what the purpose of a wastegate is, and would explain that an intercooler is a device that sits inside the chassis to cool the driver's HANS device.

In the spirit of the know-it-all yearners of yesteryear, I would like to propose the greatest racing car ever, of which some variant shall be utilized in every racing series from rallycross to the Dakar to IMSA to F1 and, of course, IndyCar.

The chassis is to be constructed from a mix of carbon fiber, fiber optic cable, fiberglass and the kind of fiber found in various bowel movement products. They are to be built by Lotus, because ground effect is the holy buzzword of racing, and shall all resemble the Ekranoplan, aka the Caspian Sea Monster "because, again, GROUND EFFECT!

To stop people complaining about it being a "spec chassis," each tub must be built by a random member of the NYC Plumbers Union, chosen at random by Bernie Ecclestone. All measurements shall be made by tape measure, with a tolerance of +/- 2.65 meters -- an ode to the 2.65L turbo CART motors. Each car will be powered by a ‘quadruple hybrid engine, which shall consist of:

(Hybrid "Power Yoonit" component No. 1) A turbine built to the same spec as the "Wonderful Whistling Wedge" turbine-powered Indy 500 specials of 50-something years ago which drives the rear axle.

Connected via hollow, internally splined aluminum shafts to U-joints from a 1967 Ford GT40 at the front of the car, where a turbo Buick V6 welded to an Oldsmobile 4.0 V8 engine (Hybrid component No. 2) driving the front wheels through a series of sprockets, rockets, and chains. The chains will also be connected to a flywheel KERS system (Component No. 3) mounted between the drivers legs, spinning at no less than 7 million rpm and weighing no less than 56.3kg.

I've lost track of what this letter is about, but here's a photo of a cool school bus at a Grand Am race in 2008. Denis Tanney/Motorsport Images

Mounted atop the rear wing, High-brid Powur Yoonit Compownet No. 4: What else but the legendary 2.65L V8 turbo engines running 5800 psi of boost with five popcorn valves connected to a fifth wheel/tire that's mounted on the left sidepod, and engine power will be transmitted to this fifth wheel via combination of plutonium an alyoomineeumm transaxle, an 18-speed transmission lifted directly from Dale Earnhardt's old car hauler, and finally into a 4 speed Muncie "Rock Crusher" connected to the hub via halfshafts from the last front-engined car to run at Indy.

To top off this engineering masterpiece: the Hanford Device... except it is to be mounted on the front wing, and directly in the driver's line of sight. Upon this huge, flat barn door will be no less than eight tobacco advertisements, a photograph of Don Panoz, and a hand-written ‘BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY -- LET'S GO RACIN YA BUNCH OF HOT DOGS!’ by D Dubya himself.

Oh -- one more thing, and the cherry on top in my opinion -- every driver must change their name to either Jim Hurtubise, Milka Duno, or Dick Trickle.

During the races themselves, we will forego the track announcer, national anthem, driver intros, and any other useful information, and instead we will just pipe in the sound of the 2004 Ferrari V10 with the volume set at 11.

Before the race, we will have whoever won the Chili Bowl 25 years prior to the current year summon the drivers to fire up their cars. Not with the traditional "drivers, start your engines" call, but instead, in honor of that dude who walked around on Uranus, or the moon or whatever, the call to engine ignition shall be: “HELMETED BRETHEREN, COMMENCE ENERGIZATION OF ROTATION OF THE GIRDLE SPROCKET AND YOUR NEAT-O MAGNETOS!”

Oh, and in a nod to the glory days of CART, and the Greatest Race Ever Raced -- the 2002 Surfers Paradise Four-Wheeled Surfers Circus -- EVERY race will be exactly 40 laps, of which 34 will be run behind the pace car.

The winner of each race will be awarded 2.65 liters of carbonated milk and have their faces immortalized on the Worg-Barner trophy, which will be constructed out of compacted Lucky Strikes mixed with resin and tar.

That should please pretty much everyone, I think.

Michael Czipri

MP: Looks like someone picked the wrong week to quit sniffing ...

INDYCAR UNIVERSITY

Q: Who are the best/biggest drivers currently in the sport and why? What is their history, and why are they good?

Cook Family, MI

MP: Since the Mailbag isn’t meant to be a 40,000-page affair each week and I don’t want to ring in the New Year typing away at a keyboard, you’ll get to enjoy using RACER.com’s search function to learn about following drivers through features and analysis pieces we’ve written over the years on:

Scott Dixon

Josef Newgarden

Alex Palou

Colton Herta

Pato O’Ward

By coincidence, those drivers also filled the top five in last season’s championship. If you’re interested in the biggest drivers, search for stories on Romain Grosjean and Helio Castroneves.

But seriously, part of being a fan of any sport comes with a willingness to put in the time to learn the history, and a weekly mailbag isn’t meant to replace the dozens of hours of reading about the people, teams, and tales that make the sport what it is. Happy hunting.

ED's note: Chris Medland is on a well-earned vacation, but this week's F1-related questions will be rolled into next week's Mailbag.

THE FINAL WORD

From Robin Miller's Mailbag, December 31, 2013

Steve Huntley

ROBIN MILLER: In 1972, my pal Art Pollard took me to Chicago to Andy's shop so I could buy a Formula Ford that Francis McNamara had given him as a present (McNamara designed the slug that Mario drove at Indy for Granatelli in '70 and '71). I borrowed $5,000 from my banker buddy and just before we went inside, Art told me to put $2,000 back in my pocket and let him negotiate. Well, Andy wasn't around so his son, Vince, handled the transaction and he wasn't about to sell it for $3,000. I was foaming at the mouth looking at that gorgeous little day-glo orange FF sitting next to a couple of Novis, but Pollard stood firm and Vince finally agreed. Suddenly I was the proud owner of a car that wouldn't fit in my rented trailer without the aid of a forklift because the trailer was way too skinny. Art went with me to shake it down at IRP, and just before we started it up he asked me if I'd added oil and water. "Don't they come with oil and water?" I replied. Ah, the first sign I should have NEVER been allowed to own a race car.